5 ice packs

I’m currently on the couch with 5 ice packs applied to various parts of my body.

The nerve pain in my back, butt, left knee, and left foot are all screaming at the same time. All that I did was walk 3 blocks to the grocery store and back.

When simple tasks like this are interrupted by pain, it makes me truly sad (sometimes). All I think is, ‘it’s 3 fucking blocks!’

All I can do is take care of myself and hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be better.

The Vortex

Three straight days of below zero temperatures has taken its toll on my body, nerves, and pain.

After trying everything in my ‘tool box’, I think this is something I just have to wait out. I just feel so useless. It’s extremely hard to concentrate and do small tasks. Oh, and tears, lots of tears.

Luckily, it will be 40 degrees in about 48 hours.

I hate when it’s this cold

It feels like my joints are glued together and nerve pain is pretty much constant.

Both feet and almost my entire left leg are on fire with nerve pain. Heating pads and ice can only do so much. Medication and cannabis can only do so much. Some days it’s just like this and it has to be accepted.

Some good news…I finally have my pre-surgical eval for the spinal cord stimulator on Monday. It only took a month of calling around and leaving constant messages for someone to finally call me back.

Day 6

On Sunday, I woke up and my left upper back/shoulder began to hurt. I really didn’t think anything of it.

By Monday morning, the pain became extremely intense and it was hard to breathe.

Tuesday, I decided, ‘let’s get this looked at.’ Luckily, X-rays and blood tests all came back negative. Unfortunately, no answer for what’s going on. They did say if it didn’t improve or got worse, I should go to the ER.

When I woke up on Wednesday, everything felt the same: pain and shortness of breath. Again, luckily, things began to improve Wednesday afternoon.

Yesterday was a little better and today is a little better. The chest and upper back pain have pretty much subsided but the shortness of breath is still around.

The nerve and back pain didn’t take the week off so it was a pretty rough one.

Mental Health

I recently started therapy again in hopes that it will help with pain management. It’s a little too early to tell but I really hope it helps. At least it can’t hurt, right?

It will give me an opportunity to speak with a professional and relieve stress. Normally, stress is a big trigger for my pain. If there’s even a slight chance of relieving stress off my life and my partner’s life then I’m all for it.

We talk about management, being nicer to myself, and acceptance but today we talked a little about the abusive I suffered as a kid. This is a topic that I’ve previously discussed with a different person but my new therapist wanted to know a little more. It’s understandable that she wants to know more and see if it’s still affecting me. It probably is but I’ve made peace with my past. The abuser is no longer a part of my life and hasn’t been around for awhile.

Basically, if you need help, go talk to someone.

As I sit (well, lay) with three ice packs on, I’m at least happy about having a great home cooked meal with my love. Plus, she really liked the meal as well which is always nice.

I started cooking more and more about two years ago to help control my weight and eat better in general. Thankfully, I ended up enjoying the process except doing dishes. Otherwise, it’s satisfying to make a meal that’s pretty healthy and tastes good.

Overall, I’ve lost 54 pounds. That’s the good news…the bad news is the more weight I lose, the worse my pain gets. EVERY doctor told me losing weight would put less pressure on my spine. After years of dealing with spinal issue, I’ve come to learn doctors are still just guessing.

Spinal Cord Stimulator

This is something I’ve been resisting for almost 2 years and for good reason. The success rate is medium, it’s a 2 step process either way, and it doesn’t actually fix anything. But, I’m nearing the point now where I have 3 options, do nothing and live, the stimulator, or get a massive back surgery (with no guarantee).

But, if it can relieve even 30% of my pain, that’s an enormous win.

Flare up!

Woke up after a horrible night of sleep feeling slightly better than expected. We walked to get breakfast. It’s not a far walk, maybe 1.5 miles round trip. On the way home, something set my nerves off. They went from a whisper to a scream in a few blocks. My hip started burning like it hasn’t in about 18 months. I wish I could pinpoint specific triggers that set things off. There are the main ones everyone knows but the little things. Feeling control over the pain is always a goal but today, it’s difficult.

Bed of Nails

Living with back pain sucks on its own but for over a year now, nerve pain is becoming more prevalent in my life. Every morning, the moment my feet hit the ground, it feels like I’m walking on a bed of nails. This year, Santa brought me constant nerve pain in my feet and left leg. It’s not the best gift I’ve ever received. Luckily, it’s only been a few days. Unlike my back pain which is constant, nerve pain tends to subside a little with just flare ups. That might not sound like a win but, trust me, it is.