One week from tomorrow

I start the spinal cord stimulator trial in eight days. It can’t get here soon enough because I need help with the pain. The wait is driving me a little crazy.

I am going to upload videos during the trial and most likely for a week or two after I get the implant (positive thinking). I’ve watched other people’s videos and they helped me so hopefully I can help someone too.

Side note…

For the first time in almost two years I used my cane. It’s just agony to put any pressure on my left leg.

Proud Moment

Today, I reached 250 straight days of learning Spanish on Duolingo. I’m very proud about this accomplishment. It’s nice to know that with everything going on in my life that I still managed to keep this streak going.

My goal is to reach 365 days in a row. funnily enough, I started writing this entry at 2:50.

Ralph Fiennes

Mornings are the worst part of my day.

This morning I opened YouTube and started watching a video where Ralph Fiennes breaks down his most famous roles. I’ve always had this image in my head about his personality before ever actually reading/watching something about him. Turns out he’s kind of a big goof ball! I realize I should never judge someone without finding out more about that person.

And yes, Voldemort cheered up my morning.

3 more weeks…

Three weeks until I begin the spinal cord stimulator trial. For almost two years, I consistently told doctors no when they recommend the SCS. And now, the next few weeks can’t move fast enough.

One of the main reasons I can’t wait is because with each passing day my nerve pain grows in strength. Unfortunately, there’s no escaping nerve pain. I could be sitting, standing, walking, laying down, or even when typing my blog the nerve pain doesn’t stop. Its progressed from nothing to consuming within the past year.

For most of my life I’ve had structural damage to my spine and it’s something I was able to manage. The combination of the two pains are driving me crazy. You can only try so many different things or activities to keep your mind off of it but it doesn’t really help.

This has to work. I NEED it to work. Not just for my life but for the life of my partner too.


I don’t like insomnia. It’s not something I’ve really experienced before this week. I’ve had a few days here and there but never like this.

For the past week, I get a couple hours of sleep per night. My best night was 4 hours. It’s been difficult. I’ve tried everything. Hopefully it ends soon because it’s certainly not fun.

‘Fun’ day

The massive shift in weather from sunny and warm-ish to damp and chilly is killing me. It’s just ridiculous the amount of effort it takes to move.

Luckily, my two cats are being super sweet. It really is nice to have loving pets.

Spring? I need you to get here quickly.

Only 30 days until the stimulator trial begins.

I can’t move…

This post may be a little jumbled because I’m having a hard time focusing.

My back and nerve pain have decided to put me down. I’m so tired and in pain. Sleeping hasn’t been easy no matter where or what I do.

I’m still a little over 5 weeks away from the stimulator and it can’t come fast enough. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Today it’s hard to get motivated. Even getting up and going to the bathroom is a rough choice. I think, ‘I can wait a little longer and maybe the pain will die down.’

I don’t like today.

Tim Gunn

I’ve always wanted Tim as a father figure/mentor for the last 15 years. I’ve been a huge Project Runway fan and always admired Tim for how he handled tough situations with ease. At least he made it look easy.

I’ve never really had a positive male role model in my life and I want Tim to fill that role. I realize there are thousands of people thinking the same thing but I just need him to chat with me for 5 minutes, once a month.

Jackie has encouraged me to write him a letter and I think it’s a great idea. So that will happen.

Honestly, I just want a hug from Tim.

When the sun sets…

For the 4th day in a row, my nerves fire up as soon as the sun sets. During the day I’m okay and can actually accomplish the things I need to do. Once it’s starts getting dark, my back, legs, and feet feel like I’m constantly being stuck with needles. It’s not pleasant.

I don’t know what to do or how to calm my nerves. It’s painful and sucks. Last night I curled up in a ball and just cried.

Now…some good news!

I’ll begin my spinal cord stimulator trial on March 8th. If it works, I’ll get the permanent stimulator on March 15th. I’m putting all my eggs in the stimulator basket in hopes I get get some relief. I NEED it to provide some relief.

Crying and more crying

I spent a good part of the morning in tears. Something inside of me just felt overwhelmed with life, pain, and the weather. I just couldn’t take it.

Now, I’m laying on a table with pads on my hands and feet. Frequencies are shot through the pads to bring joy and happiness. I’m willing to try anything at this point to help ease the pain and, well, life in general.

For the most part, I have a pretty good life. I have a home, two great cats, wonderful friends, and, most importantly, the most amazing partner ever. It’s just this damn pain has dominated my life and not allowing me to enjoy what I have.

Hopefully soon…

The nerve of it

I’m tired of nerve pain. For most of my life I just had regular back pain. The past 3 years it’s been all about nerve pain; adjusting to it, what helps, what doesn’t hurt, but it’s just so different and difficult.

It’s extremely frustrating because very little actually helps. At least with back pain you can ice or take Tylenol to get some relief. This is just a different beast that I’m struggling with.

But hey, I did make more bread today to occupy my mind. And, it’s a new recipe!

4 hours of sleep and a win

Last night was horrible for sleeping. Started in the bedroom but, no matter what position, my nerves didn’t agree. After about an hour, I moved to the couch.

I didn’t have much luck there either. It’s supremely frustrating when you can’t get to sleep because all you feel is pain. Then you start worrying because you can’t sleep and that gets frustrating. It’s another cycle.

Finally, around 3am I fell asleep.

The win is because I got up at 7am and went to the coffee shop with Jackie. I told her I would and I did. That’s a good feeling. Although the pain is horrible, it feels good to keep my word.

Lastly, this weather can kiss my ass.