3 more weeks…

Three weeks until I begin the spinal cord stimulator trial. For almost two years, I consistently told doctors no when they recommend the SCS. And now, the next few weeks can’t move fast enough.

One of the main reasons I can’t wait is because with each passing day my nerve pain grows in strength. Unfortunately, there’s no escaping nerve pain. I could be sitting, standing, walking, laying down, or even when typing my blog the nerve pain doesn’t stop. Its progressed from nothing to consuming within the past year.

For most of my life I’ve had structural damage to my spine and it’s something I was able to manage. The combination of the two pains are driving me crazy. You can only try so many different things or activities to keep your mind off of it but it doesn’t really help.

This has to work. I NEED it to work. Not just for my life but for the life of my partner too.


I don’t like insomnia. It’s not something I’ve really experienced before this week. I’ve had a few days here and there but never like this.

For the past week, I get a couple hours of sleep per night. My best night was 4 hours. It’s been difficult. I’ve tried everything. Hopefully it ends soon because it’s certainly not fun.

‘Fun’ day

The massive shift in weather from sunny and warm-ish to damp and chilly is killing me. It’s just ridiculous the amount of effort it takes to move.

Luckily, my two cats are being super sweet. It really is nice to have loving pets.

Spring? I need you to get here quickly.

Only 30 days until the stimulator trial begins.

I can’t move…

This post may be a little jumbled because I’m having a hard time focusing.

My back and nerve pain have decided to put me down. I’m so tired and in pain. Sleeping hasn’t been easy no matter where or what I do.

I’m still a little over 5 weeks away from the stimulator and it can’t come fast enough. Right now, all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry.

Today it’s hard to get motivated. Even getting up and going to the bathroom is a rough choice. I think, ‘I can wait a little longer and maybe the pain will die down.’

I don’t like today.

Tim Gunn

I’ve always wanted Tim as a father figure/mentor for the last 15 years. I’ve been a huge Project Runway fan and always admired Tim for how he handled tough situations with ease. At least he made it look easy.

I’ve never really had a positive male role model in my life and I want Tim to fill that role. I realize there are thousands of people thinking the same thing but I just need him to chat with me for 5 minutes, once a month.

Jackie has encouraged me to write him a letter and I think it’s a great idea. So that will happen.

Honestly, I just want a hug from Tim.

When the sun sets…

For the 4th day in a row, my nerves fire up as soon as the sun sets. During the day I’m okay and can actually accomplish the things I need to do. Once it’s starts getting dark, my back, legs, and feet feel like I’m constantly being stuck with needles. It’s not pleasant.

I don’t know what to do or how to calm my nerves. It’s painful and sucks. Last night I curled up in a ball and just cried.

Now…some good news!

I’ll begin my spinal cord stimulator trial on March 8th. If it works, I’ll get the permanent stimulator on March 15th. I’m putting all my eggs in the stimulator basket in hopes I get get some relief. I NEED it to provide some relief.

Crying and more crying

I spent a good part of the morning in tears. Something inside of me just felt overwhelmed with life, pain, and the weather. I just couldn’t take it.

Now, I’m laying on a table with pads on my hands and feet. Frequencies are shot through the pads to bring joy and happiness. I’m willing to try anything at this point to help ease the pain and, well, life in general.

For the most part, I have a pretty good life. I have a home, two great cats, wonderful friends, and, most importantly, the most amazing partner ever. It’s just this damn pain has dominated my life and not allowing me to enjoy what I have.

Hopefully soon…

The nerve of it

I’m tired of nerve pain. For most of my life I just had regular back pain. The past 3 years it’s been all about nerve pain; adjusting to it, what helps, what doesn’t hurt, but it’s just so different and difficult.

It’s extremely frustrating because very little actually helps. At least with back pain you can ice or take Tylenol to get some relief. This is just a different beast that I’m struggling with.

But hey, I did make more bread today to occupy my mind. And, it’s a new recipe!

4 hours of sleep and a win

Last night was horrible for sleeping. Started in the bedroom but, no matter what position, my nerves didn’t agree. After about an hour, I moved to the couch.

I didn’t have much luck there either. It’s supremely frustrating when you can’t get to sleep because all you feel is pain. Then you start worrying because you can’t sleep and that gets frustrating. It’s another cycle.

Finally, around 3am I fell asleep.

The win is because I got up at 7am and went to the coffee shop with Jackie. I told her I would and I did. That’s a good feeling. Although the pain is horrible, it feels good to keep my word.

Lastly, this weather can kiss my ass.

5 ice packs

I’m currently on the couch with 5 ice packs applied to various parts of my body.

The nerve pain in my back, butt, left knee, and left foot are all screaming at the same time. All that I did was walk 3 blocks to the grocery store and back.

When simple tasks like this are interrupted by pain, it makes me truly sad (sometimes). All I think is, ‘it’s 3 fucking blocks!’

All I can do is take care of myself and hope for a better tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be better.

The Vortex

Three straight days of below zero temperatures has taken its toll on my body, nerves, and pain.

After trying everything in my ‘tool box’, I think this is something I just have to wait out. I just feel so useless. It’s extremely hard to concentrate and do small tasks. Oh, and tears, lots of tears.

Luckily, it will be 40 degrees in about 48 hours.

I hate when it’s this cold

It feels like my joints are glued together and nerve pain is pretty much constant.

Both feet and almost my entire left leg are on fire with nerve pain. Heating pads and ice can only do so much. Medication and cannabis can only do so much. Some days it’s just like this and it has to be accepted.

Some good news…I finally have my pre-surgical eval for the spinal cord stimulator on Monday. It only took a month of calling around and leaving constant messages for someone to finally call me back.